Thomas the Travelling Salesman

Thomas was a man, and oh, what a man he was. He was a giver, was John, and everywhere he went he left them begging for more. What was did he gift to people? He gave beautiful, unsurpassed, pure pleasure. Men wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him, oh if only for a single night. No women were immune from his power. Soon he was to pick up a reputation, and this only increased his power and mystique. People began to wonder why women kept coming back, and this only brought more. Women of all ages came to him, entranced by his power, unable to resist, ready for him to service their needs.

Soon he could no longer pleasure the masses of women all by himself. There were too many for just one man. Ans so the search began. The search for a worthy partner. The search for someone with whom he could share his knowledge and power. The search for an Apprentice.

As Thomas was a travelling salesman it was not hard for him to search far and wide for an apprentice. The man chosen must be something special. He would not settle for average or even good, or his reputation and whole career could be sullied forever. Over a long period of time, he slowly came to realise that this man was right beneath his nose. He had never thought to test this man. Once he did he soon realised that the force was strong within him. Under his tutelage he was sure to be a grandmaster pleasurer within years. And so began the lessons.

To be Continued when the lessons have been completed....

Whatever Happened To....

Billy Ray Cyrus

What a phenomenon we all could have done without. I mean really. Achy Breaky Heart? What the hell was he thinking. After bursting onto our shores in a jumbling mess of square dancing, mullets and terrible accents in 1992, what has become of him? Surely he deserves more hits after spending 7 weeks at No. 1 and an incredible 26 weeks in the top 50, surely he couldn’t have faded off the stage like Joan Osbourne or Kriss Kross? He deserves more than that, if only for bringing back the mullet to Australia 10 years before it actually became popular again. And he wasn’t even Italian.

Well in fact Billy Ray hasn’t left us. He is in fact back, bigger, and better than ever starring in a television series Doc, and helping his young daughter kick start her career in another series, Hannah Montana. So those of you who loved the song (God kill you all) don’t despair, he can still be found (minus the Mullé) on Fox 8 Tuesdays at 10.

The Malaise

mal•aise /mlez/ noun [U, sing.] (formal) - a general feeling of being ill/sick, unhappy or not satisfied, without signs of any particular problem, unease

That is what I have. Never has a word more perfectly described the situation in which I find myself this afternoon. My brain has a malaise. Nothing outward (well besides the normal) shows anything wrong. But yet my brain is not quite right. I know the words I want to use and when I start the sentence I know how to say them, and what they mean. The only problem is half way through, it’s like part way into the sentence, you know…fuck it, there it goes again.

I think I shall call it Monday Malaise from now on, and hope it catches on, much like Sketchy Sunday or Stoopid Saturday. It defenately stems from such acticities and as such should be combined in an averall alliteration scheme such as we see here.

This post is actually a purposeful, I mean beautiful, example of what I am trying explain, unsuccessfully. I have on purpose left all my mistakes and mix ups so you can get a better of an idea of how scattered I really am. Truly I have not purposefully put in any scattered shite that I didn’t type already, and thend decided not to change. GOD

Tours of the Shady Underbelly

Well that went well didn't it. The suposed incredible revival of the once great blog, like a phoenix rising form the ashes, Harry Potter style, capitulated after two posts from one contributor. Well done The Moff.

Now a month has passed without anyone adding anything more to my hum drum life. How am to survive? Where has the laughter gone?

I have a theory. I think that The Moff (if that is your real name), spends his comic genius elsewhere these days. He has forgotten his roots, where it all started. What would you be without us, i ask? NOTHING. What have the owners of pubs and taverns around this great state ever done to deserve your comic genius? Again nothing. What has prompted this abandonment from your friends to their enemies?

The "almighty dollar". Dollar schmollar. Sure you can go to the nothern henisphere with it. Sure it may buy you happiness, but I ask you, what has it ever really done for you?

What an age of CHOICE we consumers live in!

Those of you who are currently residing in Australia will no doubt have seen Domino's latest "creation". But for those who read this from abroad, allow me to enlighten you as to the newest "pizza" to grace the Domino's TV advertising spot.

We all know the folks at Domino's have never shied away from redefining the boundaries of the pizza game. A few years ago we were struck upside the head with their rather adventurous varieties of crusts and the filling that lies between them, and since then we have been continually challenged with increasingly zany methods for cramming as much fat into a confined space as is humanly possible.

All well and good. However, I do believe it is safe to say that this time, Domino's have well and truly crossed the line.

Yes. Thats right. A niche in the market has now been occupied by the forward thinking executives employed by this pizza stalwart. The general public now has access to a MEAT PIE PIZZA, or as the ad displays, two crusts which house a sloppy mess of beef mince and peas, with "traditional" pizza toppings to cap it off.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is it genuinely necessary to fuse Australian and Italian cuisine in such a brazen fashion? Or is this just another step closer to complete market saturation?

One thing is for sure, I shall not be saturating my insides with such a diabolical concoction.

However, I am certain that one Nicholas J.C. Worthley would give his left nut for a solitary bite of the Domino's Meat Pie Pizza given the current eating situation he has imposed upon himself while trekking through the nether regions of the planet. Whats for dinner tonight Nick? Rice rice served on a bed of rice with a side serving of steamed rice?

Thats right mate, you keep on walking. Not far now to base camp I hope? In the meantime I will order one of these pizzas, purely so that I may throw it in the bin as a protest against the sheer insanity that I have witnessed on the idiot box that blares at me incessantly while I relax in my living room.

Meatily yours,

- Moff

After months at sea, I spy land, and embrace it with open arms and flippered feet.

Yep, I've flipped up the page of the calendar on the kitchen wall 5 times since Dylan uploaded the most recent contribution to this exercise. It started off quietly, gained some brief momentum and held our interest long enough to articulate a few thoughts via fingers on a keyboard, and then, predictably, dropped off our collective radars.

Such fickle folk we be.

Speaking of dropping off radars... it awfully quiet here in Adelaide these days. I remember back in the day....The sending of a solitary text message on a mid week evening manifested into 8 cats streaming through the hastily raised garage door toward an eastern suburbs granny flat with a full-wall mural of a rainforest scene to...well...just to "hang out", i guess.

Ahh, those were the days. Being a member of our crew was effortless, in fact, you had to fight to avoid the action.

But time trudges forward. Before you know it you're 25, working full time, with more than half of your previously ever-present group of mates geographically dispersed outside of this town.

Such is life.

Its not all bad. Its a natural evolution. We spent the most time together when everyone was still "getting to where they were going". Now, most of us are "there", in terms of immediate plans outside of uni anyway. I've got plenty to smile about. A job I'd never even dreamed of having a chance of getting. One where I actually look forward to going to work. One with so many perks it could sink a ship with Rhys onboard, even when he is wearing his speed-shorts. All of this has brought a relative abundance of the almighty dollar to my life, and with it the ability to save up for something I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember.

At 11:55AM on Tuesday June 12th, my girl and I shall board SQ268 and finally join this highly exclusive club of individuals who have been to this place called the "Northern Hemisphere".

I kind of feel like the last guy in a group of teenage guys to get laid. For years I have listened to the others describe the sordid details of their affairs, wondering what it will be like when I finally get to join the conversation with some knowledge of my own. Now, my folks have gone away for the weekend, I've got a franger in my wallet and a guaranteed root, so long as I don't do anything stupid before I'm confronted with my destiny.

Brilliant.

Expect some new episodes of Moff's Most Hated Celebrities in the near future. I have 6 months worth of pent up annoyance that needs to find a home.

Until then, try and avoid swooping magpies when walking under trees.

Trust me on this one.

- Moff

Im a reasonable man....BUT...this has gone too far

Satisfy that craving? Satisfy that craving.... For fuck's sake KFC.. why don't you just spit in my face.

Another fucking sub par effort, KFC, you've lost my vote.

UMMMM... EXCUSE ME...! .....WHAT?!?!?!

Errrr ummmm.... How does one put this....

.

"Woods vows to keep on improving"

.

"After becoming the first player to win at least eight times on the PGA Tour in three different seasons (1999, 2000 and 2006), he says he is still improving. "

.

For the first time, in a very long time, possibly since i tried to speak french last, i, the author, am lost for words. Is there something Tig-rhones not telling us?

The Michael

The Michael Cometh.

Sometimes fantasy really is better than reality....

The concept: To take a fickle -(I declare that KFC is the most fickle of the fastfood chains.. when their burgers are bad- oh man theyre bad, but when theyre good, theyre oh so good)...Anyway back to the concept.

.

The concept: to take a fickle pre-existing burger and give it a new lease on life(for a one month promo period). Finally i was hungry and deluded enough to swing by a KFC and put some of their greasy mittens in my stomach- Besides i had been punishing myself and hadnt eaten KF since a certain sniffy free golf trip.

.

As i pulled into the drive thru i decided on a whim (always a mistake- i promise never to go against the Twister again) to try out this new accomplishment in the world of burgers. A KFC Nacho Burger. Sounds brilliant to me.

.

I made the 2-3 minute journey home and ploughed straight into the treat knowing full well that if i left it too long the enjoyment of the burger would rapidly decline at a feverishly high exponential rate.

.

What i tasted was nothing like i had expected.After opening up my burger with the patience of a bomb technician as not to disturb the flavour i made several observations. The salsa was no more than one teaspoon(not heaped) and off to one side and the chips consisted of 3- THREE- shaped roughly the same size as a 50 cent piece- perhaps a sniffy bigger. Obviously the fact that the burger was cold and small does not go in the burgers favour.

.

Ah i blame myself really- what was i thinking.

.

Overall i give this burger a 3/10

and myself a 2/10 for not learning my lesson from the last time KFC had a promo burger.

Jesus and those dreaded sweatmongs.....

With Sweatmongs being the latest 'must have' in the world of fashion, i thought it would be an appropriate time to cast my mind back to the days of old, before sweatmonging was cool. I took the luxury of casting my mind back as far as i could until i came to a point where i just couldnt continue thinking anymore. My mind was anchored. i had found the pinnacle and, dare i say it, the original sweatmong.

Jesus Christ.

Pictured right>> Our biblical hero, nay, maestro, can be seen demonstrating the correct grip for a demon-like inswinging yorker that would have had moses trembling in his sandals.

.

But anyway, this is not about Jesus bowling from the cathedral end- it's about his time spent with the dreaded sweatmongs.

.

According to the Gospels, Jesus was raised from the dead on the third day after his crucifixion. And this is the moment in history that i want to discuss- sure historians have exhausted a vast many a topics in regards to our comrade Jesus, but there is one that i feel has been overlooked.

.

The dreaded Sweatmongs.

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After all that time chilling (as opposed to hanging(surely this cool cat smoked weed-a weed nap perhaps?)) what would the final crucial minutes have been like before he came out and reappeared. What would have been going through his mind? Thoughts, no doubt, such as 'will these people believe me?' 'what will they say' etc etc... but what i really want to know is, how did he handle the sweatmongs. Yes, he was the son of 'god' but surely he was human enough to be sketching. Of course my thinking does not stop there, what then would he have done with such sweaty sweatmongs? Surely he couldnt wipe it on his clothes. Jesus has been chilling in a dusty tomb for days, a wipe of the sweatmongs on the old tunic would have lead to large noticable stains on his shirt...

.

So where did Jesus go from here? what did he do with the mongs? We may never know and that is the greatest tragedy of all, especially for all those faithful followers who wear the "what would jesus do?" bracelets.

.

God forbid these people ever get sweatmongs, it may just be too much to for them...

Amputechture, Vermicide and other funny sounding words...

The week just gone was a good week. It was one of those weeks that doesn't come around very often. There is nothing quite like the excitement that coarses through the essence of my being when some fresh new sounds are made available from one of my many adored and cherished musical outfits. For those of you who are not educated on the Mars Volta, there are no words that I could use to even begin to explain what goes on when these guys write music. The Mars Volta are back with their 3rd studio effort - Amputechture, and anyone who truly feels this band could not possibly be disappointed.

The one thing that I love the most about these guys is the way in which they completely throw out the window any traditional structure as far as "songs" and "albums" go. Their records are more like a churning soundscape which contains a hybrid of manic guitar work, completely and utterly god-like drumming and a unique mood which would be impossible for any other group of musicians to create. Rest assured, if you like your albums straight down the line, and your songs in verse-chorus-verse format, you will be challenged to breaking point. However the open minded and thrill-seeking listener will find oneself thouroughly immersed, and left dumbfounded and confused at how music as bold, intricate and outrageously syncopated as this can manifest itself from the minds of men.

2006 has been a pretty good year album wise, and the Mars Volta have just cranked it up a notch for me. I'm only just getting warmed up with this one.

Bring on December 4 @ Thebbie. Can't wait to open the eyes of my peers to this new and incomprehensible world of noise.

Almost at the end of another far too short weekend,

Moff

Good old Georgie George...

I find it overwhelmingly sad that people are aware of the propoganda and have been for quite sometime and yet nothing has changed. If anything it has gotten worse.

Old George Orwell got it backward. Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed... and this being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry about what's in your mind. With everyone's imagination atrophied, no one will ever be a threat to the world.

from Chuck Palahniuk's novel Lullaby

I had a argument with someone the other day who argued that the Government was right in certain actions because it was inline with the law. Excuse me if i missed the point of democracy, but is our role, nay our right, in democracy not to challenge these laws? And when the Government takes actions to make it impossible, if not illegal, to challenge and protest about certain legislations or actions, wouldnt it be fair to say that democracy has failed us?

maybe im just a dreamer....

imagine...

Truely, our freedom's consuming itself.

Is Sniffy really consuming himself? (take a bow)

In a thousand years there won't be any men or women, just wankers........

Is Freedom really consuming itself?

You tell me, huh? The number one democratic nation in the world, the poster child for freedom, the one place in the world we can all trust to be free, in fact they have several different constitutional admendments guaranteeing freedom, is turning into a police state.

I know its old news, but seriously how the hell did a country like this, one we all look up to, one that supposedly protects the rest of the world against people looking to stop freedom in its tracks, how in gods sweet name did they let a bill like the Patriot's act become law?

This bill is nothing else other than a law that allows the police, who whoever happens to be in charge, to lock people up without reason, to search their house's without them knowing, and to generally fuck them up for no reason that ever needs to be told to anyone. How is that freedom? How is that democracy?

Terrorism in todays society is achieving its goals. The whole plan of a terrorist has to be to terroise, to change the way we live our lives because of what they do. They don't have the fire power to change our lives by force so they do it by occasional big events, hoping our politicians fall for it, and change our society into one of fear, fear of reprisal's, fear of the police, fear of the government, fear of terrorists, fear of our neighbours. And this is exactly whats happening. We're falling for it people, its all a big scam, please, oh please don't fall it for it too.

Otherwise freedom really will be consuming itself.

When.... When will the madness stop.....

I really do think its time i shut myself away from society and accepted the fact that i will be forever ashamed and embarrassed by the human race.

Thanks Nicole, Thanks heaps.

So today Nicole has joined some 84 other celebrities in making a public stand against terrorism.... Does anyone else think she missed the party? hell, i would have thought september 11 would have been a good time(and fashionable time you fucking leach on society) to get your name back in the papers.

Although maybe her intentions were different. Maybe there was a sub-plot just to get her name on the same page as Hollywood heart-throb James Woods(JAMES WOODS!).

Nicole Kidman thanks heaps for doing your bit to stop terrorism, im sure Osama is going to take note of your words, maybe you should have sent him an autograph too, that would have sweetened the deal no doubt.

Kidman, you loser(we should have suspected that she was a loser when Tom Cruise left her) you should have stuck to being a BMX Bandit, you fucking chump...

I love music way too much

When I die, bury me with my iPod attached to my ears with a full battery and play all my songs on random.

Music is my elixir.

elixir
n 1: a sweet flavored liquid (usually containing a small amount of alcohol) used in compounding medicines to be taken by mouth in order to mask an unpleasant taste 2: a substance believed to cure all ills

Obviously I refer to the "elixir" described in definition 2.

Although definition 1 sounds pretty cool too.

Enough. Moff out.

I don´t have anything to complain about

I feel a little put out. I really want to contribute to this blog, where it seems we complain about the world, or about the injustices in the world, or big up the people who expose the world for what it is.

But i can´t. I am having such a great fucking time i can find literally nothing to comlain about. Alright, i can always complain about dylan, but i don´t have to ever think about him here so he´s off my mind. Anytime anything bothers me its for such a short time cause i am having the absolute time of my life.

Of course i understand that the problems in the world go on, and at the moment the problem in the middle east are particularly distressing. I just don´t ever hear about it. Or i hear about it in Greek and have absolutely no idea what they´re saying.

Plus i don´t have to listen to any commercial radio or watch any commercial tv, where most of the shit comes from anyway, so i don´t get exposed to the crap. Its great.

I almost feel like downloading some Ben Lee and listening to ´Thats the way i like it´ just so i can remember what its like to feel like killing an inane little bastard you´ve never meet.

You should try it some time Dylan, its called the northern hemisphere.

David Letterman.....

It's been a VERY, VERY long time since David Letterman said anything that was either funny or original... Then again its been a while since he said anything, for that matter, that was worth hearing.

Just why the audience on the left is smiling i will never know, maybe i just don't get it. As for that bald "human" with his not so witty trevor marmelade styles humour, well, he too, somehow, slipped through the natural selection netting. If i find out who was supervising the net when baldie, letterman and Ben Lee slipped through, i'll be making an example out of him.

The only thing this guy has ever done that has had any level of value was his post september 11 show:

"In his opening monologue, an uncharacteristically serious and very emotional Letterman struggled with the reality of the attacks and the role of comedy in a post-9/11 world, saying,

"The reason we were attacked, the reason these people are dead, these people are missing and dead ... They weren't doing anything wrong, they were living their lives, they were going to work, they were traveling, they were doing what they normally do. Uh, as I understand it -- and my understanding of this is vague, at best -- another smaller group of people stole some airplanes and crashed them into buildings. And we're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervor, religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand years old, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamned sense?"

Aside from that, Letterman, you are no more entertaining than Quiz-mania, Hotdogs up late or big brother uplate, the latter two i have actually smiled while watching, the first sign that laughter could be on its way.

Letterman, after 60 years, you're still not funny, time to climb onto the scrap heap where you belong mate

Nirvana - The Stoned Interview

I often think of how unbearably mundane it must be for celebs to have to endure endless interviews. Imagine being asked the exact same questions over and over again and trying to keep the answers sounding fresh and passionate. From the looks of this video, Nirvana gave up trying to achieve this pretty early in the piece. I heard an interview with them from ages ago on JJJ and suffice to say they were an interviewers nightmare. Such a refreshing change to see this clip in the midst of so many arrogant cliche'd emo fuckwit bands these days. Nirvana were so fucking cool because they didnt try to be. Let that be a lesson to all of the black hair dyin' tight black jeans sportin' "AFI" hoodie wearin' cliched lip piercin' insecure teenage sheep that are multiplying like carbon copies of eachother throughout our town and anywhere else under the firm grip of the "scene". Hey kids! How's this for irony? Being punk is about doing everything possible so as to NOT fit in - what does that make you then? I remember well my days of working in Rundle Mall and bearing witness to the black mass that is the emo teenage congregation. Human cloning is alive and well people. Lock up your daughters. Still fighting the good fight, Moff