Bill Cosby's Rant

A quick ,yet interesting blog for your worktime reading. A rant by none other than Mr Bill Cosby about the current situation African American people today.

"They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English. I can’t even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain’t, Where you is, What he drive, Where he stay, Where he work, Who you be… And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around. The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward: Isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something? Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up? Isn’t it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem. We have got to take the neighborhood back. People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs. We as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us. We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer".

I can hear Eddie saying "Tell Bill to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!".

Mr Jones - I salute you.

I'm sure most of you would know of by now a man named Mr Alan Jones. For those that don't know Alan, he is Sydney's leading breakfast radio personality and has become one of Australia's most wealthy media personalities. He was also one this nation's most successful coaches of our beloved Wallabies, snagging the Bledisloe Cup from New Zealand in 1984.

Aside from these remarkable achievements, one thing shines through Alan more than anything, his temper. As a true connoisseur of conniption, I can honestly say this man has reached the summit of annoyance that any man may hope to reach in one's life. My annoyances flail in comparison.

To illustrate what this man is like in real life (and how annoyed he gets), below you will find a collection of blooper tapes recorded by his staff, subsequently submitted to and aired on JJJ. I nearly fell off my chair the first time I heard these recordings, I hope you enjoy them as well.

The Closet Recordings of Alan Jones

Part 1 - The right instructions http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj1.asx

Part 2 - Dust in the studio http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj2.asx

Part 3 - Huey Lewis and the corporate world http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj3.asx

Part 4 - Indiana Jones, snakes and the 2nd test against the All Blacks http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj4.asx

Part 5 - More dust in the studio http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj5.asx

Part 6 - Nothing's working today http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj6.asx

Part 7 - Script critique http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj7.asx

Part 8 - http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj8.asx

Part 9 - http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj9.asx

Part 10 - http://abc.net.au/triplej/hack/jones/aj10.asx

Why I Hate 'Climate Change'

Because its propaganda people. Never in the history of man has there been such a committed effort to tell people something is a scientific fact without any real debate or scientific proof (Except maybe the inferiority of the Jews, but that was done by a much better race…). I am sick of the media saying ‘The debate is over’ and ‘Its time to start acting’. When was the last time you heard meaningful DEBATE about climate change? Never? Me too.

How do I know Climate Change is full of crap. I’ll tell you. Because until a few years ago it was called Global Warming. And then someone pointed out that there was a lot of people in the scientific community, including many of those that now supported Global Warming (capitals intended) that said there was a real possibility of an new ice age in the seventies. That’s right people. The seventies were cold. Real cold. So cold the ‘Scientific Community’ (I love those words, what, do they all live together big brother style?) thought it was the start of a new ice age, you know, like the movies.

But then it started getting hot. Couldn’t be natural variations in temperature could it? No, no way, temperature throughout the ages is meant to be constant, always has been right. Ever since the earth was created 6000 years ago by God. Now I understand we have been pumping CO2 into the atmosphere for some time. The thing is, I just don’t think it has done shit all.

Now everyone will tell you that the IPCC (International Panel on the Crock of Crap) will tell you that they have determined that the current temperature rises have been determined by 6000 scientists around the world to be ‘very likely caused by’ humans. What they don’t tell you is that a number of scientists put down as signatories have demanded to be taken off the list because they do not agree at all, in fact they dissent. And when they asked for this to happen they were meet with a stony wall. In other words, god knows how many scientists don’t agree at all.

Not to mention the threat of funding cuts if they happen not to agree with the current mass hysteria about climate change. I have seen an interview with a researcher who said, in order to get money, they just say they are researching climate change. Want to research the mating habits of gnats, he said. Title the grant application ‘The affect of climate change on the mating habits of gnats’ and you get it, get rid of ‘climate change’ and bye bye money. These people need money. They are not going to throw it away for a tiny little thing like integrity, are they?

Anyway, point is, it’s a whole load of bullshit, or at the very least, its certainly not proved. Its just governments throwing money at what they think is the issue of the day, scientists trying to get money by saying it’s the issuer of the day, and dumb fucks believing it, in a never ending cycle. I think it belongs as Number 1 entry in the Encyclopaedia Bullshittia (BullSchmidtia..).

National Bingo Night.. Sunday nights, Channel 7...

For those of you who haven't seen this incredibly shit show, please spend 5 minutes watching it. Some wanker wins money if he gets bingo on stage before the wankers in the crowd.

This cheese dick, pictured below (who just happens to look like an Indian version of mike Goldman from big brother uplate), is the bingo commissioner.. his 'job' is to make sure the crowd laughs when the laugh sign goes up, applauds when the applause sign goes up and schrrreaaams out bingo when they get bingo...

Of course, the tension builds.. "does anyone in the crowd have bingo?" meaning the wanker on stage will lose...

More fake tension- and of course the highly original-we'll tell you after the break routine.. (i know it's scripted, but for the love of god, how to people STILL feign surprise at that? ooohhhh

Once the show returns from 3 hours of ad breaks the wanker below gets his 2 minutes of fame and goes "nnnnnooooo biiinngggoooo"

Nnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bingoooooooooooooo

Now all i need at work is middle aged dickheads coming in and doing their impressions of this guy, just like the bugger ads, the not happy jan ads and all the other shit that has been thrust in our faces. A glassing is on the cards for the first person that tries it.

The wanker also had the audacity to say "My life has been building up to this moment. I feel I am the Tiger Woods of bingo!"

Nah, mate, you're not the tiger woods of anything; you're just the fucking biggest cheese dick in the universe.

For fuck's sake, fuck off channel 7.

I can’t believe it’s not bacon!

OK, it’s about time that your faithful grandfather pulled out an old fashioned rant.

One of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen in my life is this bizarre concept of “vegetarian friendly meat substitute products” that you may have come across in your local supermarket, or at a BBQ with your local vegetarian friend.

Yes, I’m referring to bacon that’s not really bacon. Sausages that contain absolutely no flesh whatsoever. In summary, tofu-like substances that are sculpted into the shape of meat products for reasons which, to me, will never be understood.

FOR FUCK SAKE!!!! THIS IS FUCKING ABSURD!!!

Now I’m a staunch carnivore. Always have been, always will be. I fucking love meat, and I believe that it is natural for us to eat it, and our place in the food chain seems to back this up. I mean, could you imagine a shark deciding that due to cruelty concerns, it was only going to eat marine plant life from now on? It would become skinny and emaciated and unhealthy. Now I concede that we have a greater level of autonomous thought than our friend the shark...but if we did not, I believe that we would all eat meat without a hint of reservation, because our inherited instincts tell us that it is beneficial for us, as human carnivores, to do so.

But I digress.

Now I have friends who are/have been vegetarians. More power to them. To each their own, I support them in their choices 100%. But surely, if you have made the decision not to consume animals, why…ON EARTH!!?....would you want to eat something that has been artificially manufactured to LOOK LIKE MEAT???

IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!!

Wouldn’t you have enough pride in your decision to be happy being seen eating a salad, or a dish including undisguised tofu? What the hell would possess you to want to fit in with a meat eating crowd, when in principal, you disagree with eating meat???

This shits me. If you are going to do something, do it properly, and stick to your guns.

If anyone can enlighten me as to why a vegetarian would want to be perceived to be eating meat, please comment. Otherwise, this will continue to baffle, and ANNOY the hell out of me.

Pleased to be back on the rant wagon,

- Moff

Are you a casual reader of this blog?

This is purely a little experiment which may well yield zero results...but if you are a reader of this blog (and I doubt if there are any outside of the group of ppl that post, apart from maybe you Leezee)...please make a comment to this post and let us know who you are and where you're from. I would be fascinated to know if anyone else apart from us reads this thing, and I'm sure my peers would as well.

Enter comment now,

- Moff

PS - those who post here - please don't try and be a funny bugger by adding some anonymous comment, lets see if there really is anyone else out there who has stumbled across this thing.

Where The Fuck Do These People Come From?

Now im not saying that people should be allowed to break the law, just cos they're on tv....

but...

"Anti-smoking campaigners have asked the BBC to apologise after Top Gear presenters Jeremy Clarkson and James May lit pipes on Sunday's show.

"Smoking in a studio is illegal. We would hope programme-makers make some form of apology," said a spokeswoman for Action on Smoking and Health (Ash)."(courtesy of BBC)

For fucks sake, get a life.

I am utterly dumbfounded

question? what the fuck are you going to do with your apology, if, in fact, you do recieve one?

ironically, this storm in a tea cup is probably going to bring more attention to it, meaning more children will see it, which would probably lead to an adverse consequence as a result....

I hate people.

Episode I: The Phantom Annoyance

Well my dear friends, here it begins. I'm already about to blow because I just wrote all of the below about ten minutes ago, then subsequently lost it by pressing the backspace button one too many times. Oh well here goes:

• The double backspace function in Windows.

• Terry White Chemists: "You really must give it agooooo". Oh my fucking god.


• Dr Phil: walking his ugly fucker of a wife off stage at the end of his show. No, the entire Dr Phil show and all the pathetic husbands that get owned by their wives in front of millions of viewers world wide.

• Mark Holden: need i say more? The recent Idol advert drove me into two levels of annoyance, the first of which was minor (almost used to his annoyance by now) when he yelled "touch down", I could deal with that. The final straw came later in the advert when it cut to him screaming and pulling some fucked up face in a get-up only schmidt would consider wearing. This drove me to scream too. If i could shoot him in the knee and get away with it, I most certainly would.

• The National Bandana Day rhymers: poor taste I know, but for the love of god...

• Nick not having the internet (and the mirriad of excuses which follow).

• The fact that this stupid fucking program will not allign nor space my shit correctly. This has actually annoyed me so much i need to leave my computer and go let off some steam.

Until the next episode,

Sinor S Bean.

Introducing: Sean A Bean

Fellow Bloggers, random readers and FunkmasterD,

Thank you for your kind invitation to contribute to such a distinguished board of discussion, insight and general opinion.

My name is Sean A Bean ('A' used to stand for Andrew, however I recently chose to change this horrid middle name to Arnold for obvious reasons).

You may remember me from such novels as "Fuuuuuck!", "Oh

My Fucking Lord!", or "No Nick..".

I have now enlisted to help contribute in whatever way I can to help make this blog one that will entertain us all through each mundane working day, something that I too hope to experience again in the near future (obvious sarcasm).

As a distant, anonymous and almost silent observer for the past year (bar the occasional "haha', "lol" or "brilliant"), I will now endeavour to share with you on a weekly basis some of my day to day ramblings and/or frustrations or annoyances. I hope they annoy you too. I have a feeling they will.

Kind Annoyances,

Sean A Bean

What I miss about the topmost hemisphere

It’s been 3 months to the day since I got back from my month long European odyssey, and because of this I decided to go back through some of the 1600 photos that were captured during this time. This stirred up a variety of emotions, but most powerfully I found it very interesting to learn that the times that I look back upon with the greatest level of fondness are not the myriad of amazing structures and human achievements that I was lucky enough to be able to see first hand. No, the experiences that really typify the fun that I had overseas are the smallest, most seemingly insignificant events, places, and people.

For example, when I think of Paris, my first thoughts are not of the Eiffel Tower, not of the Louvre, but I remember walking down Boulevard de Magenta towards this tiny little liquor store that we found to buy big cans of Leffe, Hoegaarden, and the infamous Amsterdam Maximator. When I think of London, I smile when I recall walking out of the Bayswater tube station up to street level and seeing my first glimpse of the northern hemisphere from street level on foot. When I think of Rome, I think not of the Colosseum, but of gazing out of the third story window of my hotel after numerous longnecks of Birra Moretti into the hot Italian night, and wondering what the people that I was watching were heading home to.

I could go on and on and list everywhere I went, but I think I’ve made my point. I think the same goes for anything in life. The memories we cherish the most are the day to day things; the things we don’t even give a moments thought to while they are taking place. These are the things that occur while we are on our way to “more important” things, but ironically end up meaning so much more after years have passed.

When I really think about it, the best moments of my life are probably of tiny little things. And I look forward to many more of these simple pleasures.

Satisfied after a pleasant session of reflective gushing,

- Moff

Well It's Coming To That Time Of year Again...

Yes, it's true.

If the well oiled machine that is commericalism has taught us anything, it's that by October, Xmas is literally next week, which, by my calculations, means that 2007 is very close to coming to an end.

It's with great affection that I look back on 2007, lazy days in the northern hemisphere, or indeed the equator, where i spent many a lazy afternoons. I could go on all day (and often do) but the Xmas jingles n my ear are telling me that it's time to look back at the biggest flops of 2007.

I thought i would get in quick before channel 9 thrust the incredibly aged and made up face of Dermott brereton in our faces with a 7 week presentation on a similar subject.

My contender for biggest flop of 2007 is based on the the success of it's sister products in addicting us and making us crazy. no, not drugs. not this time.

STICK BASEBALL....

I found out about this from the moff via msn with "oh no, here we go again" When i heard this i knew what was coming, just like when the Americans came out with the Hollywood blockbuster line "ladies and gentlemen, we got him."

As i opened the window i was gripped with "the fear"... the fear that i would be as hooked, frustrated and enraged as i, and many others were, with stick cricket.

alas, the addiction lasted less than 48 hours.

Stick baseball, you came, you saw, you fell to pieces like a poorly manufactured imitation Rolex that you can pick up from any third world Asian country for less than a tenner.

Ice, Ice, Baby

A rather amusing little story that has come out of channel V today that i felt was worthy of a laugh or 2.

When asked, in reference to Will Ferrell's Blades of Glory, what viewers "favourite memories on ice" were, the answers ranged from, i suppose, the general ice skating bullshit to the highly amusing, "lots of sex", "everything's great on meth" and "too many to name".

Brilliant.

You have to wonder, firstly, how someone allowed those responses to get on the air and secondly, how long it would take that person to find employment in the industry again...

"Reason for leaving your last job?"

Radiohead - In Rainbows

Well, after parting with a hard earned $0 for the new Radiohead album via their website (dont worry, I am going to buy the hard copy when it hits stores), I was jumping out of my skin to burn this free download onto a CD so that I may let the sound flow through my stereo and into my ears. Its not every day you get to listen to a brand new album from a band that has truly been one of your favourites for a huge chunk of your life. So I was savouring this moment.

Cracked open an beer, dimmed the lights, threw it on, and lay down on the couch with open ears, lapping up what was being offered to me.

First impressions: I love it.

I was very mindful of the fact that the majority of RH albums have taken AGES to grow on me, so I was prepping myself for a tough digestive effort for this one. I thought that, as with previous offerings, I would be left after the first listen wondering what the hell I had just heard, and trying to make sense of it.

Not this time. Loved it from the first listen. Drew me in from the first song.

Lots of string section parts on it...all in all a fairly chilled album, very atmospheric, probably more accessible than Kid A or Amnesiac. Love the general tone and vibe of the sound. Love the fact that these are 10 songs, separated by silence...its not like they are all joined together with little interludes, this is an album of songs. And damn good ones at that.

Radiohead have successfully defended their title as heavyweight champion of the world. I am looking forward to a beautiful and ever-developing relationship with this album.

Before one of you dickheads comment that I have already emailed most of this blog to you, I KNOW THIS, AND I DONT CARE. Lets all work together to change the climate of this blog and make it a much more positive and constructive place, because I for one am getting pretty sick of all the whip-down posts that have been appearing of late. So before you comment, take a moment to consider how you can help swing the mood of the blog around.

Radiohead - how are you still so goddamn amazing, after all these years.

Looking very forward to listen #2,

- Moff

The plot is already gone

Earth to Dylan, Earth to Dylan, you’re NOT Rhys Elliott and I would prefer you not to try and be.

Anyway you’ve had your say, and I’d rather not turn this blog into a procession of whip downs like everything else we do. Suffice to say I don’t agree with pretty much anything you said, I thought Moff’s wasn’t funny, and was a poor response to continued criticism from ALL people. Congratulations on being the first, sorry if you feel everything I do is because you did it first. I guess I went to the Northern Hemisphere because of you too. And got two degrees? Oh hang on, no that couldn’t be right.. Do I see a chip on your shoulder the size of an iceberg? Maybe, maybe not? You decide.

First, normally, when you find out the RELEASE date of an album its 6 months away, wow, this time it’s a week. Sure we knew the album was finished, but that happens all the time. Second, the only bit of my blog that was news report was that Radiohead had released a website for the album, the rest was my experience exploring said website. Third, I don’t try to copy your writing style, which you’d know if browsed any of my writings from the last 15 years.

That’s it no bullshit, no whip downs, just the truth. Sorry I dared to have an opinion.

Since RE Left You Sure Have Been Getting Away With Some Bullshit…

Funkmaster D, you have completely lost it.

I actually think it was one of the moff's finer hours on the blog. Witty as fuck. If you really thought it was a filler than you missed out on many things, especially the subtle humour. I guess they don't teach you that when you get your fancy degrees...

The blog was a response to my witty and comedic jabs at him and more so i suggest, to your dull as fuck bandwagon jumpings. It was a clever post, unlike like your colourless and monotonous interpretation of a blog when you wrote about radiohead. Like I said in the comments section, if it wasn't about radiohead, I would have topped myself just so I didn’t have to finish reading it. Tip for next time you blog so heavily from a news report- less news report, more funkmaster…

Finally, your comment that you don’t have to wait ages (6 months I think you said) before an album is released- Well, surprise surprise, that’s bullshit too. I blogged about them releasing it on the 31st of August, and by then it was old news, so we have had to wait. Initially, when Radiohead did not know what recording company was going to release it, it was due to be released in early 2008. (full marks there funk, they were out of contract) The only reason we don’t have to wait so long is that it’s being released online, minus the recording company.

Extra finally, stop attempting (and failing) to copy my style of writing… You’re fucking lucky, to be honest, that people rarely read the comments. You’re also very lucky that I could not be bothered turning this into a blog. (Editors note: Ricardo could be bothered in the end- he felt it was his duty.)

I eagerly look forward to you spinning a bullshit response to this that has absolutely nothing to do with anything- until I cant be fucked arguing anymore, because, as pip knows, I don't have the heavenly stamina of one RE...

The return of the Grandfather

Beloved cohorts, fans, anonymous commentators, and Funkmaster D.

I am acutely aware of the grief, heartache, and petty jibing that my recent absence from this great website has resulted in. I read with great amusement as those who are so full of hot air try and bait The Moff back into conjuring up a ludicrously insecure post similar to Funkmaster D’s pathetic US Acronym offering. And as I cast my eyes over these things, I am filled with a deep sense of patience, and a reassurance that sometimes, and I quote a very recent comment to a disturbingly ordinary post, “silence is golden.”

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" – Mark Twain

The truth is, your faithful author has been experiencing a monumental case of writers block. But instead of getting flustered and posting garbage-like filler in order to feed my own sense of self-worth, I have decided to bide my time. I do not have the luxury of sitting in an office for most of the day anymore, a lifestyle which has previously afforded me the opportunity to articulate my thoughts into blog form. And when I return to my abode after a long, hard day of fighting the beer war against Coopers, CUB, and the other minnows of the coalition of the market-share-impaired, I am far too frazzled to contemplate a post.

Rest assured, there are a few fires in the iron. But until I am satisfied that I can convert these into a quality post that is both entertaining and CONCISE, I am not about to let the recent groundswell of backlash against your humble Grandfather rock his steady foundations.

- Moff

I Love Radiohead

Wow guys I’m excited. As I woke up this chewy chi-ide Tuesday morning, and somehow worked myself into my cubicle, I had no inkling as to what was awaiting me.

Traditionally (like since the last 6 months) I start my day at work by wondering through the articles on news.com.au and smh.com.au. It is afterall, no matter what your profession, important to keep up with world events. I have on occasion found out about things we are doing up at Olympic Dam from the mornings business section.

But enough of that, onto the substance of the blog, Radiohead are releasing a new album, and unlike most times you hear the big news, its due out in less than a week. We don’t have to wait for 6 months with blank looks, and go sleep sweating, while the record company endlessly promotes the album to be released in an eternity.

Radiohead, as they are now not under contract, have decided to release their newest album ‘In Rainbows’ on the internet in a weeks time. And get this. You decide what to pay for it. That’s right, you heard. When you go to the pre-order section on there website, click on pre-order for the digital download, and up comes a box that you can fill in, with how much you want to pay. And when you click on the question mark next to it, a screen comes up that merely says ‘Its up to you’.

What a brilliant idea. I actually feel like paying for it, cause I think its brilliant. The fact is I would’ve downloaded it for free anyway, so they are going to get more from me than they would have. Also available is a ‘discbox’ for 40 pounds anywhere in the world, which has a cd, two vinyl records, and a cd of photos and artwork. How cool. I am going to get that as well.

And so Radiohead, having proved themselves brilliant, controversial and trend-setting on the musical stage, are now trying to also do so on the music distribution one. And in conclusion, are we ever going to see a blog from The Moff again?