When Will You Kids Learn, Hair Is Not A Right, It's A Privilege....

Am I the only one who has noticed the absence of "the moff"

"What do you mean?" i hear you ask. "I saw him just last week?"

Or did you...? You see, our dear friend has not submitted a blog on this site since September 4th 2007. Prior to that, it was August 24th, 2007.

So where has he gone? Surely he couldn't be in this fine little town and not blogging, so i searched for him on the internet. After some CSI Styles investigating (entering the moff into the google search engine) i was hit with http://www.hairymanfestival.org/...

After reading this, it all became clear. How could some one with the bison genes stay away? The Website writes:


"Join us for the 13th Annual Hairy Man Festival on Saturday, October 13th from noon to 7pm at Cat Hollow Park in Round Rock. Admission to the festival is two non-perishable food items or $2 per person to go to local food banks."

The only logical explanation is that he is attending the festival as our representative and will be back as soon as it's over, possibly Monday, October 15th- After all, he does have to work Mondays.


Bring back "the moff"

Reasons to Hate the Power

Reasons why i hate the power:

• The stupid name. I mean really, who thought it was a good idea to call a football team 'the power'. What does that mean?
• There are a reincarnation of Port Adelaide in the SANFL. I hate them even more.
• Teal blue
• The fans - Why are there so many ferals, that can't have a reasoned conversation about footballing ability without randomly breaking into a throaty 'C'arn the Power'?
• That they have two brothers playing for them who are really really good, and also happen to be the sons of Adelaide's first ever coach. Surely there should be some Father / Son rule that makes them play for us..
• They are in the Grand Final and Adelaide aren't.

Reasons to not Hate the Power

• They're not Collingwood.

A Panoramic Perspective into the Origins of Music

David Attenborough. The King of Documentaries. On a two disc set of seven special single episode documentaries there is one titled, “The Song of the Earth”. Regrettably, or perhaps just surprisingly, it was the last episode of the compilation that I opted to view.

When I first switched it on, my first thought was, “Well I’m sure it will provide a new insight and perspective into whatever angle or topic he has chosen to expound”. As it turns out, it now stands as one of David’s works which has left the most intimate impression on me.

In Attenborough’s trademark style, he parallels the efforts of humans and animals in life, sex and status. What is unique is that this is a brief foray into the world of music, a topic which many of us have strong interest and opinions. And he delves not only inot how these uses of sound have evolved, but also why and to what purpose. Who else could so aptly parallel sources of sound, from the Skylark and Humpback Whale to Handel and Hendrix?

All I can possibly conclude is that is an absolute must see. For me, one of the high points is a conclusion drawn by David with the help of a leading Cambridge Scholar that music could have actually been one the definitve driving forces in the evolution of the mind of the Homo Sapien in becoming it the most intelligent creature on the planet.

And as David himself concludes;

“so now, when I listen to a Pop Concert or play the piano, hear bird song, or drop in on the sound world of the whale, with these insights into what human music and animal music share, I shall be listening with new and open ears.”

Thankyou again, David. So shall I.

In this world of Doom and Gloom, Death and Destruction, Poverty and Anguish, finally a little good news....

My Fellow Wankers,

So I say this:

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

I offer you some quotes from a BBC article that turned my lazy Sunday morning into a day that was booked so solidly that the thought of hiring a secretary passed my mind- several times.

According to research, Masturbation cuts prostate cancer risk. Fuck yessss

To sum it up briefly, as time is now of the essence, researchers have found that cancer causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly, which of course begs the obvious question, is it possible to be 'too regular'?

Further research has suggested that shagging may not have the same protective effect that wanking has, further to this, the effect was greatest while the men were in their 20's.

More great news for the authors and readers of this blog, men who launched semen into orbit more than 5 times per week(should that read '5 times per day' funkmaster?) were a third less likely to cop the prostate cancer.

According to BBC, "IF these findings hold up, then it's perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate."

But, given our society is currently so full of wankers, we need a goal, something to shoot for, so to speak. I implore you gentlemen, do your bit for the country, take every opportunity you can, load up, and shoot for the moon. Think of the amount of future hospital beds that will be free for people who really need it, if we wank hard enough in our 20's.

Why the moon? Well, JFK said it best:

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard."

And I, for one, have shot straight to the top of the class.

I like to eat pure fat

We all know how well I like to eat, and how I like to strictly control my intake of fats and other bad things. The (long) weekend was a shining example from me of the importance of eating well, and staying fit. What follows is everything I ate from after dinner Thursday until I went to sleep Sunday night. I call it my ‘How to Stay Thin and Healthy the Schmidt Way’ diet. It makes interesting reading.

Friday - skip breakfast because I am lazy, get a box of pre cooked noodles from Coles from lunch before golf - fat 31.9 g and sugar 10.2 grams. To keep the energy (and the sugar and caffeine levels) up I decided that it was best I also had three cans of coke on the golf course. After some introspection, it was decided to have a large whopper value meal for dinner. It had one of the best, freshest Whopper’s I’ve ever had. And I have had a lot. Nonetheless, the meal had a fat intake of 62.2 g and a sugar level of 78.4 g. Thanks bun, why don’t you be more sweet and tasty.

Saturday - Again breakfast was a commodity I could little afford as the rush to make Seano look good and get the Elliott household in a reasonable shape for me to try and pick up 21 year olds (and fail) got underway. There was time for a quick Nando’s chicken burger meal (59.4g fat, 75.7 g sugar) however. Very tasty, but I didn’t quite manage to finish it. Of course there was copious amounts of Kotlety and other goodies at Laura’s party and the only part of the diet I can’t quantify properly. Needless to say, in all that oil there must’ve been a fair amount of lovely, healthy fat.

Sunday - After a heavy day of eating, drinking a making merry the day before, there was little point in eating at all on Sunday. So I didn’t until I managed to drag myself out of bed and over to the Dylbot’s to watch Casualties of War. Luckily, there was a handy KFC on the way, and once again it failed to disappoint. Another large Zinger Burger Extreme meal and all of a sudden I felt like KFC had acquitted itself above and beyond once again. Twice in two weeks it had hit the spot like nothing else possibly could. Keep this up and KFC will soon be at the top of the tree where it looks like it might belong. Of course it never is far away from a big fall though. Anyway that little gem of a meal had 59.5g of fat and 76.1g of sugar.

And so my weekend diet was complete. And all it had was 213.0g of fat and 174.3g of sugar. And there wasn't even any toast. Not bad for three days of almost pure junk food and soft drink. The secret is to have nothing else in between. Of course there was a distinct lack of vegetables, but that’s why I got the potato and gravy with the KFC. And don’t forget whoppers have lettuce and tomato on them. Follow this diet to become a fit and healthy specimen just like me. Good Luck…

The Nutritional Value of BUTTERED toast is......

FUCK ALL

Over-rated and Under-rated

Over-rated

• Sleep - who needs it? It’s for losers. In the words of the immortal one (Bon Jovi for those uninitiated in my parlance) ‘I’m going to live while I’m alive and sleep when I’m dead’. Then again I doubt he envisioned the living bit being stuck in an office for 10 hours a day.
• Alcohol - despite its obvious advantages and funness, much over-rated. Perhaps I’m just bitter because I won’t be able to drink again for a while. No, that can’t be it, can it? Or maybe its drunk mans comedown from the weekend, whatever - OVER RATED
• Football - I don’t care about, never have - don’t even know who won on the weekend - SHIT
• Ricardo - enough said

Under-rated

• KFC - I am fully aware of some peoples feeling about this giant of the food industry, and also of its fickle nature, but I like to judge a fast food place by my last visit. And last night it really hit the spot. Large Extreme Zinger Burger Meal thank you. KFC thank you
• Alcohol - God you make me feel good
• Penfolds Wood Aged Port - I think just because it comes in a cardboard carton and costs $5 per litre it doesn’t get the credit it deserves. A surprisingly complex flavour and a great nightcap for all occasions.
• Me - I know it's pretty much self explanatory, but I am under appreciated and under rated by most people. I am funny, kind, entertaining and brilliant to top it all off. How can you beat that? Answer - you can’t.

ZING!!!!!

I humbly regret to inform my millions of fans that i have been colonel zingered by Funkmaster D.

I start my new job at KFC monday.

We will meet again funkmaster- you're just lucky i can't be arsed disecting your bucket of deliciously fabricated bollocks, coated in 11 secret herbs and spices.

Wrong Again Ricardo

I’m sorry Ricardo but you’ve got it wrong this time. I understand your rage at my golf swing, especially after its managed to beat you around a golf course. Hell when I look at video of it I am in awe that I manage to even hit the ball, let alone get it to move in the approximate direction I want it to. But, after all, I am a freak of nature. I understand your rage at old women wasting away what little life they have in a Casino, and how that comment would make you almost as mad as Pauline Hanson telling the government to just ‘print more money’. I understand your rage at young pop and movie princesses and their bullshit about how life is hard and how they shouldn’t go to jail because they are famous. What I don’t understand is why you chose to take out all this rage on one of the more centred and sensible ones of the group.

Despite what you may think of her music, Avril Lavigne does not belong to that group of pop and movie tarts that include Lindsay Lohen, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. First, she’s Canadian, which makes her 3000% better than those American Idiots before the game has even begun. Second, most (not all I agree, Girlfriend being the obvious) of her songs have some sort of message, she can actually sing, and yes, she writes her own songs. I don’t care what you say, that does mean something.

A lot of her songs (again besides Girlfriend) have good messages for the very young people you say look up to her. You’re not alone for instance, tells of how no matter how bad you feel, there are people who love you. Not every artist and every song has to be about major political issues Dylan. Sometimes it’s important to look micro as well as macro, and believe it or not most boys and girls at 16 don’t give a shit about Africa. I reckon even you would’ve been more concerned about your golf handicap than starving kids in Africa in 1997.

Your top 3 of supposed ridiculously stupid things to say wasn’t that bad. I mean, sure she could’ve phrased them better, and tried not to use examples which obviously apply only to here world of pop and entertainment, but what she was actually trying to say had merit. The world would be a much better place if more people that our kids looked up to espoused these values. What’s wrong with being thankful? I mean she was talking to a teen American magazine, its fair to assume that ALL of her audience would have clean water. Lots of young people do suffer from self esteem issues, so its an important issue. And what she says is exactly right. Have the confidence to know if someone doesn’t like you, its tham that is missing out, not you. And extending yourself, and believing in yourself is important. Stretch yourself further than your comfort zone, and be surprised by the results. I fail to see what is ridiculous or ‘too far’ about this.

You know just because someone is young, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t listen to them. In fact in a lot of cases we should. They after all are the people that are going to have to put up with the consequences of what happens now. Bob Dylan wrote ‘Blowin in the Wind’ when he was 21. Should we ignore that? People enjoy her music. She has something to say more than whether or not you should sleep with the boy who likes you. Somehow I think that’s what Bill Hicks was talking about. Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears circa. 1999. Not Avril Lavigne.

Finally Ricardo/Dylan/Bitter & Twisted Individual, people listen to Avril because she has something to say, she’s hot, she can sing, and she had the good fortune for someone to notice that. You can’t sing and though you have something to say, if I had to choose between Avril and you to sleep with, I would probably choose Avril. Just. You will be successful, and less bitter, when you realise not everyone gets to shout their views on the world stage, and if you want to, you should try to make it happen, not sit in your own little corner of the world and begrudge those that have. Or at least pick on someone that really is an idiot. I suggest Paris.

Look who is turning in his grave.....

Well, where do i start with this?

Rarely, certianly not never, but rarely have i been so dumbfounded by something so extrordinary. In this case it is not september 11, it's not making out with a woman at the bar in Portugal only to walk home with your knob in your hand and it's certainly not watching Funkmaster's golf swing and wondering how in the hell he has ever broken 100.

No. it's none of these that have gotten me this time. Hell it's not even George W. Bush addressing the APEC meeting as OPEC-with a hearty "G'day Mate". Nope. It's not an elderly lady at a certain casino telling me that she doesn't understand how people are poor when there are casino's. Why don't they just go into a casino and win some money. Nope, none of these are guilty this time, although Funkmaster's swing and the casino woman come close, however, in this case, it's one Avril Lavigne.

I'm sorry funk 'sk8er boi' master- It's gone too far.

I understand she is young and 22, but, and this is a very big but, young people, and funkmaster, are influenced by her, her songs and what she says. Oh lord. I dare say and correct me if i'm wrong, but i dare say that that tie in the photo is not a secondary school tie... Where was her agent on this one?

I give you... 'Avril's ten commandments"

I could sit here and rack off all ten for you, but i thought i would go with some of my personal favourites. A top 3 maybe? Why not, it will be like Letterman, but 3 instead of 10, oh, and funny.

SO here they are, in no particular order.

1. "EXTEND YOURSELF. I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I've been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything."

2."LOVE YOURSELF. People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me."

I can see Funkmaster writing down these in note form already, but my absolute favourite one is the next one;

3."BE GRATEFUL. It's important to be thankful, even if you're poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water — well, ok, not people in the developing world. It's important to remember where we came from and just how lucky we are to be here."

I mean, come on RE, we ALL have clean water...

Oh no, wait, to her credit, she did correct herself.

The rest of these pearls of wisdom can be found at the following link, for a short time only http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=294155

Somehow i get the feeling that this is the sort of performer that Bill Hick's was talking about when he ranted about Debbie Gibson- For those of you who missed it, here it is, courtesy of Wikiquote:

"You know Debbie Gibson writes all her own songs?" No! Fucking just pull me up a chair. "Yeah, she writes all her own songs about her own real life experiences. "Yeah, what's the next one called? Mom why am I bleeding? When did we start listening to pre-pubescent white girls? I musta missed that meeting. We have at our fingertips the greatest minds of all-time, the knowledge and history of the greatest thinkers of ALL FUCKING TIME, but no, what's that little white girl saying? Let's go put Debbie Gibsons thoughts on compact disc so they'll never be destroyed. "

"Is it me? I mean, goddamn it, I remember when music had balls man. Does anybody remember that at all? Jimi Hendrix? Any question about that guy?"

What I, your humble Ricardo Del Sanjay want to know is, when will I be successful in my life?At what point can i sit back and say, wow, I did it? What do I have to do, besides sell 24 million records, like Avril, before my most juvenile, non academic rants are considered newsworthy-AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD? I dare say this blog caper is not going to get me too far.

Maybe Avril was right, maybe being succesful means that I can say to people "I have an agent now......... and everything"

Where has the magic gone?

There was a time, not so long ago, when I looked forward to getting up every morning, when everyday had its own special ‘je ne sais quoi’ and the ‘joie de vivre’ was apparent with every thought (yes Dylan, I did french too). How times have changed.

Today I was like any other week day of the past nine months, my un-consciousness was rudely turned into consciousness by a blaring radio personality that I don’t really like, and my first though for the day was ‘Oh sweet jesus, here we go again’. Surely this can’t be healthy.

My naturopath said to me the other day that my body was saying that I am angry about something. I couldn’t think of anything at the time, besides a possible feeling of resentment for the lowering of standards at KFC. But as I thought about it I realized I am angry. In fact I would go as far as to say I am fuming. More than a cupboard in Mr Nicholl’s Yr 9 science class.

Why all this pent up anger you ask? No it’s not because I like to mimic Seano, though that would be a perfectly reasonable excuse. It’s because I have to be up every morning at 7:30 to go somewhere I don’t enjoy being, to spend at least 8 hours a day with people I don’t particularly enjoy the company of. Not to say they’re ALL wankers, but there are certainly people in this wide brown land I would rather be spending my time with.

And I think that’s the point. Why do we end up spending the majority of our available time with people we hardly know, often doing something we don’t enjoy, just so we can get the latest plasma TV? (Though god it looks good with a PS3 attached - bring on GTAIV). I’m not advocating a nomadic existence where everyone merely does enough to live. But I want to start a business that combines both. I want to make tremendous amounts of money, working with friends, doing something I enjoy. So I open it up to you all, any ideas? And I’ve already thought of professional sportsman, with entourage. Unfortunately you need to have talent and coordination. I have neither.

Random thoughts from the mind of a bed ridden flu victim

Well, this post cannot possibly attain the sheer level of quality that this blog has seen of late. Nor is it intended to. The reality is, I am bordering on delirium as I lie here in my own filth and illness, and after 2 days of doing this I am beginning to understand what the honorable Funkmaster D must go through every night he hits the hay in his private stable in the attic of wonders.

This photo is absolutely classic. Everything about it just screams brilliance. I dont think Ricardo's face could be any more perfect: a mixture of awe, shock, and sheer jealousy over one half of RE's set of "perpetually erects".

Someone made a drunken comment on Saturday night which outlines why we should all bow down to RE and his disturbingly stiff physical attributes:

"Rhys could fuck three chicks at once".

And I for one would pay good money to see that.

-Moff

"When not being able to play golf is a good thing"

Never

I offer you exhibit A, B and C.

Not satisfied with my comments in regard to Funkmasters post "when not being able to play golf is a good thing," i thought i might point out a few more things..

Note the cracking arse on the golfer, the sweet fresh air, the wonderful blue skies. The enchanting mountains.

Note the receding hairline on worker A and the grey hair on worker B.

Tiger Woods (a famous professional golfer) is neither receding nor grey haired.

Your honour, I rest my case. (you rest your case?) ( i mean, case closed)

Funkmaster, I would rather lose to anyone, with the possible exception of everyone, than spend a whole day in the office while your lovable mates play golf(and drink Pale and taste port).

Well, we can't blame you for trying, can we?

When not being able to play golf is a good thing

Sure it’s a beautiful day. A perfect day to be in the sun doing some physical activity. Nothing too strenuous mind, just something. Sure a couple of beers and a round of golf would be fun. Sure the opportunity to beat Nick (again) would be good. And I’m damn sure the opportunity to beat Dyl’s (again) would be excellent. There is just one problem (besides the fact I’m at work and I can’t play anyway - bastards). I could lose to Rhys. And that’s just not worth it.