Friday, August 31, 2007

But I can't help the feeling ....I could blow through the ceiling

I have heard bits and pieces of information from *reliable sources* and gossip mongers for some time now.. but finally i have accepted that it is true.

This blog, im sorry to say, is not a whip down to anyone. It's not a dull, uninspiring look at political..well whatever those 2 blogs were.. It is not filled with sharp, cutting edge humour, as you have all come to expect from me. It is merely a statement, nay, a homage to a source of creativity that we, collectively, in varying degrees, have loved and cherished for some time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, i give you my candidate for the most eagerly anticipated moment since waiting for funkmaster to blog again after *that* infamous blog...

Radiohead's SEVENTH album.

Yorke described the lyrical concept of the album as, "It's about that anonymous fear thing, sitting in traffic, thinking, 'I'm sure I'm supposed to be doing something else'... it's similar to OK Computer in a way.

Oh god, i think i'm going to explode with delight. IS it early 2008 yet?

I love that line- it reminds me of my life at University- "I'm sure i'm meant to be doing something else"

This song... we dedicate.. with love.. to R.E.M.... Who are sittin over there...

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor...




Thursday, August 30, 2007

J Ho, What Are You Smoking?

Yesterday, in my letterbox, a little package was delivered, direct from the desk of Prime Minister John Howard entitled, “Talking with kids about drugs”. I’ve seen the adds, and secretly I hoped that one day soon I might get the opportunity to glimpse into the government’s new proactive approach to curbing the drug epidemic within our society.

Most of you would no doubt join with me in greeting such a move by the government with no small measure of scepticism. But I must confess that the brochure is more competently assembled that I had expected.

Nonetheless I thought I would still point out a few foibles.

In 2004 10 percent of sentenced prisoners were imprisoned for drug related offences”. Therefore 90 percent of the bane of society rests on other causes. Where’s the brochure entitled, “Talking with kids about not becoming a child-molesting psychopath”?

“Will your children listen to you?” This supposition was answered with a resounding “yes”, on the proviso that parents be informed, up-front and honest. If my mum refers to my first blow job as “heavy petting”, what the hell is she going to refer to my first snow cone as?

And, how many parents, being honest, would know the first thing to say? But in defence, it’s probably enough for parents like most of ours to just get the message across that they don’t want us doing it.

Potential Problems of Ecstasy: Thermal meltdown?! What The Fuck?!?! Don’t they make kids these days with automatic thermal overload relief mechanisms?

These are just a couple which jumped out at me during a quick peruse. There is some well researched information in the booklet, so I can see some benefit.

But lets open the floor to comment. Any obscure items jump out at you?

Another "Fresh" Serve?

Now they’re really gonna cop it. The line has been crossed. The foot is coming down, Marge, its coming down. The foot has spoken.

Enough is enough.

How far can we really let companies subvert the truth in order to hark their wares? My previous comments directed at Subway’s projection of a public image of being healthier than any other fast food options is one thing, but now they’re just taking it to another level entirely.

I’m talking specifically about the “fresh fit” meal options just released by Subway. To put it bluntly this misnomer should not be tolerated, purely and simply because there is absolutely no correlation whatsoever between food and fitness.

Now I realise it also a delicious pun (as is that, Tim), in the use of the word “fit” to imply that the meal is well suited to the customer. But the use of the word “fit”, in my opinion, should not be allowed under any circumstances, to be used in conjunction with the promotion of food. Especially fast food, which, as I have already argued, is portrayed in a manner which borders on downright deception.

Now, you may be right that this is just splitting hairs. And part of me wonders why I even bother to jot these thoughts down. But at the end of the day, there must be a line drawn somewhere. And it’s not much good to look back and draw it retrospectively, firstly because there’s no guarantee that once its entered common parlance it won’t just come to be accepted, and secondly because who knows how long it will take or how much effect this deceitful corporate behaviour will have before it is corrected.

So why now, Rhys, why should the line be drawn here?

Sure, anyone with half a brain knows that the only way to be fit is to be active, but I just get the feeling that sometimes, for some things, if you keep saying it long enough, eventually people (and I’m mainly talking about those lucky few who revel in living well below the status quo) will just accept the link between two previously unrelated things.

Point in fact: Saddam Hussein and Al Quaeda.

So, at the end of the day, I’m just doing my bit for the stupid fat cunts.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Is wearing your Sunglasses at night really THAT bad?

As my mentor Corey Hart is so fond of saying “I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, forget my name while you collect your claim, And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, See the light that’s right before my eyes”. Cue drum machine. Now I know my fashion sense can at times be a little skewed towards the eighties, and can even be wayward (double denim anyone), but I didn’t think there was anything that wrong with wearing a nice pair of shades of the evening time. Apparently I was wrong.

Friday night I was busily drinking at a bar with friends, (what few I have left after the debacle of this blog) minding my own business with an exceptionally fashionable pair of sunnies on, when I noticed a group of people across the bar laughing at me. Now I admit, this could be for any number of reasons, the least of which might be the ocular accessories adorning my slightly-elephantine ears and obscuring the windows to my soul.

All that was quickly put beyond doubt, however, when a rather frumpy young lady, who until recently had been enjoying the company of the mob of wankers who were laughing at me, came over to my place at the bar, and accused me of being a porn star. This doesn’t sound too bad; in fact if it wasn’t for the way it was said, I would’ve rather enjoyed the accusation. As it was I confirmed her suspicions, and said I was from New York, and was currently filming my third foray into the world of porn. This is where I found out she was actually deriding me for the whole sunglasses thing.

I mean, first Keatsy made me put them on, second it was quite bright in the bar, and third, surely I have the right to enjoy my own sense of fashion, without being laughed at, and more importantly, accused of being a wanker by a group that frankly were none too fashionable themselves. I mean it’s doubtful that upturned collars were ever in, but even if they were, they certainly aren’t now. And redheads that look they’re on steroids are never anybody’s favourite. At least I have the benefit of being so far behind the times I don’t even look like I am trying to follow the fashion of the time.

So my question to everyone is this; ‘Is wearing your sunglasses at night really that bad?’ I mean, I can almost understand the girl at Red Square who had a shit at me for wearing a lime green safari suit and dancing better than her. I can even understand the tough guys who thought it was funny to accuse me of being gay when I was wearing a white suit, with a pink shirt, and looked better than they ever would. But I thought I was at least capable, of if not being a tiny little bit fashion conscious, at least aware of the fact if I was being just completely wrong. Apparently not.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The final word on Funkmaster D's controversial US acronym blog

Now that we have that sorted, lets all get on with our lives.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Irony of Eating "Fresh"

Subway hit the fast food market in a big way. For a seemingly already saturated market it broke new ground and forged a link between fast food and the humble sandwich, literally reforming the market – and the battleground – in its wake.

It occurred at a time when awareness of the issues surrounding diet and obesity reached new heights and perfectly catered to those concerns. From this platform, subway was perfectly poised to take on the big guys. And take on it did.

What really annoys me is how their wonderful mantra, “Eat Fresh”, can be used so effectively (and savagely) against the likes of Maccas and Hungry Jacks, when in many ways their fare is no more fresh or healthy than that of the burger barons.

How I pity the fools paying up to ten dollars (for a sandwich, mind you!) believing that, like Jared, they might loose a squillion kilos.

In conjuction with their extensive selection of subs at under 6 grams of fat, the ad campaign leaves many people thinking that they are eating much more healthily than they really are.

First of all, how many obese people can really be satisfied after a six inch sub? Not many. Especially when you consider how prone they are to skimping on the salad fillings. Sometimes I am forced to instruct my “sandwich artist” two or three times to bump up my ration of lettuce, so they understand that I came to get my sandwich the way I like it.

Then when it comes to tomato and other fillings, the message has gotten across that double actually means double.

But I digress. Just assuming that you get the perfect amount of each salad component to your sub, there are a myriad of hidden fats and calories in these subs which are ignored. I would bet a good deal that the majority of sub-goers are getting a much less healthy meal than they believe.

Take the standard chicken fillet which is so popular. For at footlong its 29.6 grams of fat and 786 calories. The healthy option, the oven roasted one (that looks like a petrified dog turd) has 11 grams and 630 calories.

But there’s much more to it than that. Then comes the bread. Yes, even the humble old bread has been turned into a barren wasteland of fats, oils and cheap flavouring. Another 10 grams of fat and 500 calories for Italian Herbs and cheese.

Then chose your sauce. And this is where it is really frustrating, because of the range of sauces on offer, very few have nutritional information available. And I’m sure the average amount people receive on their subs is more than the “standard” 21mL serve. But I like Southwest, so add another 83 calories and 8.1 grams of fat.

So, the total serve (before adding soft drinks and cookies) is (at the very minimum) 47.7 grams of fat and 1369 calories.

What about 2 McChicken burgers in stead? At 360 calories and 16 grams of fat each that makes 32 grams of fat and 720 calories.

The standard consumption for 1 day for a healthy adult male is about 2500-3000 calories and 70-80 grams of fat. So our “healthy” sub has consumed over half our daily intake of fat and calories.

So would you still prefer a sub? The salad is fresher? Go knows how much sulphur and other preservatives and anti-oxidants are added to that lettuce, but it still goes just as brown as the McChicken lettuce. The pre-cut stuff in big bags straight from the central franchise warehouse. Yummy.
So you'll excuse me if I stay with my McChickens.

Well, that’s about enough of this rant.

What do you think?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Dear oh dear, what ever happened to the lack of substance in this blog?

Your faithful author is concerned. Maybe even a tad worried. Seems a new generation of intellectual cats with their political opinions and knowledge of topics outside of fast food and commercial television have gained ambient share of the site.

I blame myself. The leadership model that I have chosen to adopt in governing the use and content of the blog has been my downfall. Instead of ruling with an iron fist and laying down strict rules and guidelines in order to maintain the light hearted, jovial, Seinfeld-esque vibe that this blog was always intended to have, I have delved into the dangerous waters of allowing “free speech”.

In the words of the great Kent Brockman: “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again people….democracy just doesn’t work.”

Be careful, gentlemen. While your political rants are very eloquently written, well informed, and make some fine points, I cannot help but sense a tangible departure from the atmosphere that made this blog so enjoyable and unique in the first place.

Having said that, as the grandfather of the blog, I have made it my policy not to delete or alter any posts that any contributor chooses to make. I merely wanted to outline my thoughts on its current state.

Post on, people, but don’t forget the foundations this thing was built upon.

- Moff

The CANSPAM Act and other American ridiculousness

I don’t know if any of you know about, or are filled with as much unprecedented rage about, the current habit of American (and I regret to say other) lawmakers spending valuable time and money on making up disgustingly patronising and cutesy acronyms to describe they’re legislation.

It all seemed to start with the USA PATRIOT Act which some of you may not know actually stands for the Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act. This impossibly named act was actually rather clever as it made anybody disagreeing with the act seem unpatriotic, rather than concerned at the appalling way it breached American civil rights. It probably should’ve started with the START Act (Simplification Through Additional Reporting Tax Act), but unfortunately it didn’t.

Nor did it end there. We have the CANSPAM Act - Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act, the SPY ACT - Securely Protect Yourself Against Cyber Trespass Act and the legislation on the same thing, the I-SPY Act - Internet Spyware Prevention Act.

It is getting so bad that a Massachusetts democrat, Barney Frank said that “The title of this bill is unfortunately an acronym” and “The chair does not intend to bring forward further legislation in which the title is a word.” when bringing forward the National Security FIRST Act -National Security Foreign Investment Reform and Strengthened Transparency Act. He did end up allowing it because he actually agreed with the contents.

And there-in lies the problem. People tend to get caught up with the ‘clever’ name and not focus on the actual substance of the law. And staffers in Washington have admitted that they have at times spent weeks thinking up these ridiculous names, even going through the dictionary to find appropriate words.

But wait there is more. It’s not like a few simple names is enough o get me riled up. I am a very tolerant man, after all I put up with Dylan. There is the FAIR USE Act - Freedom and Innovation Revitalising US Entrepreneurship Act about copyright, USA SAFE WEB Act - Undertaking Spam, Spyware, And Fraud Enforcement With Enforcers beyond Borders Act, obviously about spam, and the PROTECT Act - Prosecuting Remedies and Tools Against the Exploitation of Children Today Act.

In fact legislation pertaining to rights abuses and protection seem particularly prone, we have the DREAM Act - Development and Re-Education for Alien Minorities Act, the ENRON Act - Electricity Need Rules and Oversight Now Act, the PUMP Act - Prevent Unfair Manipulation of Prices Act (relating to Petrol prices) the PETS Act - Pets Evacuation and Transportation Standards Act ( to consider pets in disaster planning), the SAFE CALL Act - Stop Attempted Fraud Against Everyone's Cell and Land Lines Act ( to stop the selling of confidential phone records) and finally the SAFE Act - Security And Freedom Enhancement Act, remarkably about fixing up the PATRIOT Act.

And don’t think it will stop with a new government, Democrats Presidential hopeful, Barrack Obama, was one of the first cabs off the rank with the CLEAN UP Act - Curtailing Lobbyist Effectiveness through Advance Notification, Updates and Posting Act about parliamentarians being open and honest. Lets just hope it all finishes with the END Act - the Elimination of Neglected Diseases Act. I think it would be better for everyone.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Jesus had Ultimate Game


After watching several interesting Doco’s on Jesus’ life and then talking to an eminent religious philosopher, known to you as Ricardo Del Sanjay, I have come up with a new theory. It seems to me that this whole ‘Son of God’ and ‘King of the Jews’ thing was just a ploy to get chicks.

Looks like it may have worked too. Latest theory suggests the very real possibility that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. And she was one hell of catch. The hottest thing around, she always had the latest sandals, and was fashion editor of Vogue Israel. And not only did he marry her, but turned into a disciple and a devoted follower. So he got a wife that was utterly obedient to him. Wow, what a deal.

So my theory goes thus, Jesus was sitting around on his 30th birthday, having the usual mid-life crisis that affects every non-married middle aged Jew, and thinking what can I do to get a woman. And suddenly it came to him, he said to himself ‘I am a direct line from King David after-all, and there was all that nonsense with those crazy arabs when I was born, why not exploit it.’

And by god did he exploit it. Of course the fact that he had always been a fairly religious fellow (outwardly at least) didn’t hurt his claim. Have you ever wondered why in the Bible Jesus was born to all this fanfair, left the scene for thirty years, and then bursts back onto the scene as the son of god? It makes sense that HE MADE IT UP, doesn’t it?

And after all when you’re an ageing man with long hair and a beard, you really do need something to set you apart from the younger, more virile men. Believe me I know. I wish I had come up with it. Everyone has their game; I just think Jesus’ was the best of all time. And if for nothing else, we should remember him for this. The man who finally had the guts to fly in the face of religion and risk eternal damnation, just to get a little action. For how many of us has wished that we could pull off something like that to pick up? I know have…

Monday, August 20, 2007

Something intellectual to balance out Elliott's outrageous debut....


Phew! The post feels like the safe haven it was before RE climbed aboard...

How do you follow up a post like Rhys Elliott's stunning blog debut below?


With this.

Things go Full Cirlce: The Bush Manifesto

OR: How George W has been wrestling power from the United States’ Congress and Supreme Court to reduce the once proud pillar of constitutional democracy to scarcely more than the regimes that the democratic world has fought for so long to subdue.

Before I begin my rant, I have noticed that this topic may be a little heavy for some readers – or indeed for the ambience of the blog. It is not, after all, a light-hearted, fly-on-the-wall frolic about any random occurrence which for one reason or another might have tickled me in the right or wrong way. For that I apologise. There are reasons for my doing so which will become apparent, but I truly feel that this topic is worthy of discussion on our communal page.

No, unlike others, this is a tickle which won’t go away. It is a tickle which has festered into the bane of a thousand Democrats and, ironically, Republicans alike. But not US Republicans…

In one of my frequent scoffs at the notions of communism, fascism, Nazism and any other ism that for one reason or another decides to remind me of how much I love Australia, it occurred to me recently that there is one aspect of these modes of governance which is shared to some degree by that of the United States of America, and one which our system of parliamentary democracy largely avoids by endowing the head of state with merely a cursory role in the execution of the will of the people.

In other words, we purposely limit the Governor-General’s powers to a mere “rubber stamp”. And that’s the way I like it.

In the words of James Madison, father of modern constitutional democracies and fourth President of the United States, "the accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands, whether of one, a few, or many, and whether hereditary, self-appointed, or elective, may justly be pronounced the very definition of tyranny."

The very definition of tyranny.

Indeed.

But surely, Rhys, I hear you say, you couldn’t possibly be comparing the tyranny of those oppressive regimes to the home of the brave and land of the free?

Well I do, Andrew, although in part, only to the extent that you would claim that communism is perfect in theory. So long as the “theory” is only applied to robots and not people.

Lets take a few regimes as convenient examples: Lenin’s Bolsheviks, Hitler’s Nazis, Mussolini’s Fascisti, and of course Bush’s Redneck Saudi Evangelical Warmongers. As hard as it might be to believe, these regimes all held the legitimate sovereign power of their respective nation states. As Nick often reminds us, “Can you imagine, if we lived in Germany in the late 1930s, we would be Nazis!”

Hitler gained a vast majority of parliamentary support by the 1932 elections. In fact, so tumultuous was the political landscape of Europe at the time that no freely elected party in any country had achieved comparable electoral success. President von Hindenburg then duly appointed Hitler Chancellor in February 1933, and one month later the Enabling Act was legally passed to allow Hitler to enjoy full legislative power including that which might deviate from the constitution.

Mussolini reached power by being installed by King Vittorio Emanuele III in accordance with the Statuto Albertino, the Italian Constitution. Thus, although he held only a very small proportion of the support of Italy’s lower house in 1922, he still took power legally. Over the next 5 years he gradually saw to it that he was invested with power over more widespread areas of government.

The Bolsheviks, although through revolution, nonetheless established a sovereign state in Russia. The failing of the crown in defending her borders during the first World War turned Russia away from the monarchy and hugely bolstered the party’s support. The communist state doesn’t uphold the so-called separation of power between legislative, executive and judicial branches of government, and so Lenin assumed a great role.

And then there’s Bush. Now you will all remember his entry into the White House as being supported by a somewhat questionable ruling by the Supreme Court. Are you aware, however, of how Mr Bush has been using an executive power unique to the US President to effectively usurp (I love that word) power from the United states Congress and Supreme Court?

He can do this because he has the power to issue “signing statements”. But Bush has been instrumental in greatly enhancing the effect that the power of the President has had over both the legislature and the judiciary by using this power for a questionable purpose. Hence he has effectively begun to amass power in the same way (although not yet to the same degree) as these other famed leaders.

The US Constitution is clear in assigning to Congress the power to write the laws and to the President a duty ''to take care that the laws be faithfully executed." Bush, however, has used this proviso to leave a much greater mark on the duly enacted laws of the people’s representatives than what was perhaps intended by the Constitution.

He has declared that he has the power to set aside laws when they conflict with his legal interpretation of the Constitution. Further than this, he claims that if he has the power to decline to enact a piece of legislation then he must also be able to decline to enforce parts of acts. And this is where the contention lies, because it is at this point when the president ceases to act as merely a custodian of the will of the legislature in ensuring that “the laws be faithfully enacted”, and begins to take on a legislative role all of his own.

For example, when Bush signed into law the McCain Anti-Torture Bill outlawing the use of torture on detainees, his signing statement, referring to the aims of the act in preventing terrorism, concludes that his authority as “Unitary Executive” and Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces will allow him to bypass the very law he is signing should he consider it appropriate – an action which formed a large part of the raison d’ĂȘtre of the legislation itself!

It is also in his very convenient interpretations of the constitution that he has assumed part of the role of the judiciary as well, rather than, as previously done, issuing a statement aimed at the processes of the executive to faithfully carry out the law. Quite simply he is telling everyone how to read the constitution – a role formally bestowed exclusively upon the Supreme Court.

To give you some indication: before Regan, only 75 signing statements were issued in 190 years of Presidents, mostly little more than commentary or notes on the ambit or aims of the acts. George HW issued some 180 and Clinton around 140 which, between them, challenged around 350 pieces of legislation. So it was not a new thing when George W started signing away.

However, what has changed, is that George W, in his 160-odd statements, has challenged over 1000 pieces of validly enacted legislation. And he has used these executive pronouncements to tell the people how these laws should be read and which parts should be ignored – roles which, in our system, are the exclusive domain of both elected representatives – parliament – and un-tenured stewards of legal principals – the courts.

The Australian system would not support the back-door power struggles of Tyrants like Bush. Giving power to a singular, popularly elected head of state just asks for these kinds of legal shenanigans. It is also why I believe the republic model presented for referenda in 1999 was the best model yet seen – by this country or any other. (And here I reveal my cryptic reference to republicans)

And why I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The biggest fuck up since Iraq.....



After blogging about it several times, one would think that i would have learnt my lesson. Instead i sit here with a sickeningly heavy stomach, $10.05 less in my wallet and a desire to kick my own arse.


Fucking KFC has done it to me again.


Where is my self control.


KFC- I hate you, but not as much as i hate myself right now.


Iraq -Fail

KFC Fucking Fail.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Un-insightful Filler

This post has no purpose whatsoever except to contribute something to this blog. May I first of all congratulate my cohorts in their stellar efforts in keeping this thing afloat.

I write this from the comfort of my living room whilst watching the Simpsons. I can do these two things simultaneously thanks to my brand new laptop and the wonders of wireless technology.

The only downside at this stage is that I dont have a mouse connected to the laptop, and instead have to use this ridiculously annoying touch pad thing. For this reason, this post will end here.

Value added to the blog: zero.

- Moff

Monday, August 13, 2007

32 years of utter incompetence- Matthew Richardson, this is your life.



How is it possible?


Sometimes i wonder at the marvel that is the scientific world. I'm not a genius- I haven't got the schmidt-esque looks for it, so maybe my calculations are immature or, well, just plain wrong. But what i want to know is how someone so offensively incompetent at dropping the footy (after at least 27 years of doing it-given that he is 32) has ever kicked goals, in any league, let alone 730 odd in 250 odd AFL games. It just does not add up.


It fills me with rage that someone with incoherent skills like that can excel in the position where straight kicking is fundamental. Richo- pictured right, spends an eternity lining it up- why? it's a fucking lottery with him anyway, he may as well spin around a good few dozen times , keep his eyes closed, then kick it.. you might be surprised by the results, he of course, will look just as confused as ever.Sometimes i feel like I'm part of some "truman show" like theatre where everybody else knows the truth- Everyone but me- and you're all having a laugh, even richo, at my expense.


It's like Ben Lee selling records, FUCK, it's like Ben Lee fucking Clare Danes- How in god's name did it come to this? How is it possible.


I've said it before and i'll say it again. If i were on his team, i would never, ever, kick a ball within 50 metres of him, for fear that somehow he'd find another way to fuck it up.


Richo- this is your life.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Is Hollywood losing it's edge? Is "the edge" really a name for a human being?

When i was a young boy "Action" meant something different to what it does today- today it gets glossed over by horny pimple faced 16 (and 25) year old boys trying to get into the secret garden. Hell, Bruce Springsteen even released a hit song about 'secret gardens' but this blog is all about good old fashion Hollywood action!


Upon viewing the Bourne Identity dernier soir(last night) i recieved a rather audacious comment via sms, claiming that the scene where, your hero and mine, Jason Bourne rides a corpse off a landing 6 floors up- surviving, minus significant injury is the greatest action scene of all time. A fine feat. I was impressed- im sure you were. But the sms captivated me on more levels than this. And i began to wonder.


Absolute genius- BUT maybe, just maybe i have an action scene involving a corpse that goes one step further....


1989- the year that began the same way that it ended- wishing the fucking 80's would end. Of course some magnificant things came out of it, just not as many as some friends of mine will have you believe...


my contender for greatest of all time comes from a trilogy-


Weekend at Bernies


The scene where Bernie(the deceased for those who weren't allowed to stay up for the movies) slides out the back of the speedboat(- schmidty on the right looking cooly oblivious) and is dragged behind, as if he was waterskiing. I feel the scene describes itself, so i won't go into unnecessary detail but i feel that this scene pips the Bourne Identity at the post, possibly in a tight tie breaker. Why?


Well they both have extreme imagination in the directing of the scene, in fact all other attributes are tied, but Jason Bourne never once utters a word to the corpse after using it to his effect. What sort of Hollywood hero neglects a chance like that to pull out a one liner? I think James Woods would be more on the ball..


Weekend at Bernies they talk to the corpse for THREE movies!
"Bernie is waiting for us"
"Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere"
Genius.
In a world where guitarists can call themselves slash and the edge, shouldn't we all be spending more time talking to corpses? Weekend at Bernies... maybe, just maybe the world is ready for a 4th movie as beautiful as you...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Is the Northern Hemisphere all it's cracked up to be?

Yes, it is, Schmidt

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Andrew Schmidt, Egg Magnate



For the first time in a while, I have a new and important direction in my life. I have a new passion and the will to make it into a thriving business. I am starting a snap frozen egg company, with numerous different egg inspired products. Imagine a snap frozen egg and bacon sandwich you can heat up in the microwave after a big night out. Delish. Just like a fresh one, only frozen. The news will call me Andrew Schmidt, egg magnate.

As an interesting aside, the hounorific Egg Magnate originates from 1493 when Henry VII, King of England and Wales decreed that any person who owned more than ten chickens for commercial use shall be known as an Egg Magnate and shall have the right to add the letters E.M. after his name. This might seem to be an extraordinary generous decree by todays standards but at the time only the King and his two closest courtesians could be said to deserve the honour. Of course today owning more than ten chickens for commercial use is a trifling matter and almost anyone who feels like it can add the letters E.M. to their name. I did apply to the Privy Council to have this rule changed to ten thousand chickens, and a clause added about the bettermentof society, but my application was denied 5-4 by the right honourable Jakson Hirely.

But back to the topic. To be a successful egg magnate in this day and age one must diversify. It is not enough to simply own ten chickens. In fact, it is not enough to own ten thousand chickens. The egg and chicken industry is simply not what it once was. So in order to increase profit margins, and news coverage, I decided to use what I have plenty of to my advantage. That is chickens and an unusaul flair for training animals. It started with chickens trained to be my servants. Hell they're cheaper than slaves and usually cleaner. So soon I had chickens doing my laundry, doing the dusting (they already have the feathers), cooking my dinner. Do you know how many chickens it takes to make a bed. I'll tell you its three, they dont have opposable thumbs you see, just beaks, so sometimes jobs can be labour intensive, but its alright, they're just chickens.

After hitting upon this oppurtunity, it occured to me that I could turn this into a lucrative operation, and I started hiring out well trained chickens to others. My latest venture involves hypnotising chickens to be lift repair men. OTIS are spewing that I am taking all their business. Its true, it sometimes takes a while for people to get used to chickens servicing their lift's, but once they see the quality of the workmanship, or workchickenship, they are satisfied customers.

The moral of the story - all it takes to be successful is a good idea and hard work. One day you too could be a egg magnate,

Andrew Schmidt BEng(Hons) LLB (Hons) E.M.

Address given by Andrew Schmidt, renowned author and Egg Magnate to the Royal Assembly of Chiken and other Poultry Farmers, on his 80th birthday, August 2061.