Andrew Schmidt, Egg Magnate

For the first time in a while, I have a new and important direction in my life. I have a new passion and the will to make it into a thriving business. I am starting a snap frozen egg company, with numerous different egg inspired products. Imagine a snap frozen egg and bacon sandwich you can heat up in the microwave after a big night out. Delish. Just like a fresh one, only frozen. The news will call me Andrew Schmidt, egg magnate.

As an interesting aside, the hounorific Egg Magnate originates from 1493 when Henry VII, King of England and Wales decreed that any person who owned more than ten chickens for commercial use shall be known as an Egg Magnate and shall have the right to add the letters E.M. after his name. This might seem to be an extraordinary generous decree by todays standards but at the time only the King and his two closest courtesians could be said to deserve the honour. Of course today owning more than ten chickens for commercial use is a trifling matter and almost anyone who feels like it can add the letters E.M. to their name. I did apply to the Privy Council to have this rule changed to ten thousand chickens, and a clause added about the bettermentof society, but my application was denied 5-4 by the right honourable Jakson Hirely.

But back to the topic. To be a successful egg magnate in this day and age one must diversify. It is not enough to simply own ten chickens. In fact, it is not enough to own ten thousand chickens. The egg and chicken industry is simply not what it once was. So in order to increase profit margins, and news coverage, I decided to use what I have plenty of to my advantage. That is chickens and an unusaul flair for training animals. It started with chickens trained to be my servants. Hell they're cheaper than slaves and usually cleaner. So soon I had chickens doing my laundry, doing the dusting (they already have the feathers), cooking my dinner. Do you know how many chickens it takes to make a bed. I'll tell you its three, they dont have opposable thumbs you see, just beaks, so sometimes jobs can be labour intensive, but its alright, they're just chickens.

After hitting upon this oppurtunity, it occured to me that I could turn this into a lucrative operation, and I started hiring out well trained chickens to others. My latest venture involves hypnotising chickens to be lift repair men. OTIS are spewing that I am taking all their business. Its true, it sometimes takes a while for people to get used to chickens servicing their lift's, but once they see the quality of the workmanship, or workchickenship, they are satisfied customers.

The moral of the story - all it takes to be successful is a good idea and hard work. One day you too could be a egg magnate,

Andrew Schmidt BEng(Hons) LLB (Hons) E.M.

Address given by Andrew Schmidt, renowned author and Egg Magnate to the Royal Assembly of Chiken and other Poultry Farmers, on his 80th birthday, August 2061.