After watching several interesting Doco’s on Jesus’ life and then talking to an eminent religious philosopher, known to you as Ricardo Del Sanjay, I have come up with a new theory. It seems to me that this whole ‘Son of God’ and ‘King of the Jews’ thing was just a ploy to get chicks.
Looks like it may have worked too. Latest theory suggests the very real possibility that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. And she was one hell of catch. The hottest thing around, she always had the latest sandals, and was fashion editor of Vogue Israel. And not only did he marry her, but turned into a disciple and a devoted follower. So he got a wife that was utterly obedient to him. Wow, what a deal.
So my theory goes thus, Jesus was sitting around on his 30th birthday, having the usual mid-life crisis that affects every non-married middle aged Jew, and thinking what can I do to get a woman. And suddenly it came to him, he said to himself ‘I am a direct line from King David after-all, and there was all that nonsense with those crazy arabs when I was born, why not exploit it.’
And by god did he exploit it. Of course the fact that he had always been a fairly religious fellow (outwardly at least) didn’t hurt his claim. Have you ever wondered why in the Bible Jesus was born to all this fanfair, left the scene for thirty years, and then bursts back onto the scene as the son of god? It makes sense that HE MADE IT UP, doesn’t it?
And after all when you’re an ageing man with long hair and a beard, you really do need something to set you apart from the younger, more virile men. Believe me I know. I wish I had come up with it. Everyone has their game; I just think Jesus’ was the best of all time. And if for nothing else, we should remember him for this. The man who finally had the guts to fly in the face of religion and risk eternal damnation, just to get a little action. For how many of us has wished that we could pull off something like that to pick up? I know have…
Looks like it may have worked too. Latest theory suggests the very real possibility that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. And she was one hell of catch. The hottest thing around, she always had the latest sandals, and was fashion editor of Vogue Israel. And not only did he marry her, but turned into a disciple and a devoted follower. So he got a wife that was utterly obedient to him. Wow, what a deal.
So my theory goes thus, Jesus was sitting around on his 30th birthday, having the usual mid-life crisis that affects every non-married middle aged Jew, and thinking what can I do to get a woman. And suddenly it came to him, he said to himself ‘I am a direct line from King David after-all, and there was all that nonsense with those crazy arabs when I was born, why not exploit it.’
And by god did he exploit it. Of course the fact that he had always been a fairly religious fellow (outwardly at least) didn’t hurt his claim. Have you ever wondered why in the Bible Jesus was born to all this fanfair, left the scene for thirty years, and then bursts back onto the scene as the son of god? It makes sense that HE MADE IT UP, doesn’t it?
And after all when you’re an ageing man with long hair and a beard, you really do need something to set you apart from the younger, more virile men. Believe me I know. I wish I had come up with it. Everyone has their game; I just think Jesus’ was the best of all time. And if for nothing else, we should remember him for this. The man who finally had the guts to fly in the face of religion and risk eternal damnation, just to get a little action. For how many of us has wished that we could pull off something like that to pick up? I know have…
2 comments:
Absolutely. And it goes deeper than that. He faked his own death, replacing his body with one that was still conveiniently hanging on another cross just down the row, disappeared into the cave for a while and then reappeared with clean clothes.
Must be the devine light of christ!
I think it was his inswinging yorker from the cathedral end, as mentioned in "jesus and those dreaded sweatmongs" that really pulled him the chicks..
of course i could be wrong
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